Back to School: Problem in My Child or Problem of Environment?

In the previous post, we discussed the importance of taking a child’s developmental stage into account when considering whether therapy might be advisable. As described, what can seem to be an indication of problematic behavior may just be part of an appropriate developmental stage. 

Another factor to consider before assuming that a child needs therapy is the degree to which his or her environment is contributing to the distressing behavior. 

Victor Frankl famously said “When we are no longer able to change a situation - we are challenged to change ourselves”. When faced with a situation that is out of one’s control, therapy can be an effective tool to help one cope better. Imprisoned in a concentration camp, Frankl learned that he had to change his outlook toward his environment in order to survive. 

Frankl’s prescription is relevant for many stressful situations throughout life. For example, young children may find themselves being bullied at school. If the parents and school do everything in their power to stop the bullying, but it persists, the parents might consider therapy to help their child cope better with the situation. 

Sometimes as parents, we may unwittingly be keeping our child in a situation that is not good for them. This may cause the child to react in less than agreeable ways. We may interpret their behavior as a need for therapy, when, in fact, the solution may lie in simply changing something in the child’s environment. 

For example, parents of a 14 year old boy are concerned when he stops doing his homework, sleeps late and misses his bus to school. They take him to a therapist to resolve the problem. 

After a few sessions, the therapist learns that the reason the boy has stopped trying in school is because he can’t keep up with the AP chemistry class his parents are making him take. He feels “stupid, so there’s no point in trying”.

His parents might argue that although the class is challenging to him, giving up is not the answer. He should learn to be less lazy and more resilient and the therapist should help him gain those skills. 

While these parents clearly have their child’s best interest in mind, their thinking may be misguided. A person who is forced into a situation that makes him feel incompetent and depressed, is at risk of seeing himself as incompetent and becoming depressed.

This example illustrates that sometimes it is not the child who must change, but rather, the circumstances in his life. If we see that our children are experiencing debilitating stress, before running to a therapist, it may be wise to consider whether there is anything in their environment we can change that might mitigate their stress. 

This is not to say that as parents we should pacify our children and capitulate at the first sign of distress. On the contrary, learning resilience and developing grit are immensely important skills. Giving in as soon as our children feel any discomfort may be robbing them of acquiring this vital life lesson.

Knowing when a situation is causing our children excessive stress or is an opportunity for growth, requires being attuned to their individual needs. Inevitably, we will make mistakes; at times we will push them too hard and other times we will be too soft. As long as we are flexible and balanced in our parenting approach, our children will develop into emotionally healthy adults. And if we suspect that our child has an issue requiring that he or she receive therapy, let us first examine their environment to determine if that is where the problem lies