When do our children need therapy? (It may not be as often as we think)

People sometimes ask me how they can know when therapy is needed. I usually tell them that I am not of the belief that everyone needs a therapist, and even when one does it is not something that should necessarily run a long course. In my opinion, a good self-assessment to gauge whether therapy is needed is for a person to ask themselves whether there is something that is getting in the way of them living the life they want. Fortunately, most adults are capable of figuring this out on their own. This gets tricky when it comes to children. As parents, we have big ideas about the ways our children ought to be. This is normal and comes from wanting the best for our children. However, sometimes it may be misguided. I may hear a parent say “My child is too quiet, something must be wrong” or “My child should not get so frustrated all the time”. On first examination, these seem like appropriate times for a child to seek outside help and it is true that these are issues that may need to be addressed. However, therapy for the child may not be the first course of action. There may be a few things to consider before seeking therapy for one’s child. This article will address one of them.

It is important to take into account what parents might expect is normal for their child. Some parents may simply not be familiar with the developmental stage of their child and what is considered appropriate at each stage. For example, parents of a five year old boy become concerned when he starts purposely breaking his toys or hitting his sister. These sudden brazen and rebellious actions may motivate his parents to research his behavior. Panic might set in as they come across concerning diagnoses such as oppositional defiant disorder or even conduct disorder. But before jumping to a premature conclusion, a simple background in developmental psychology could act as a good framework from which to view their son’s behavior. 

Children ages four to six are typically at a stage in which they are learning about the effects that their actions have on the world around them. This newfound ability is exciting to children and they want to test its parameters. They may do this by knocking over blocks to explore gravity or by doing something less benign such as deliberately acting in a hostile manner to see what kind of reaction it evokes in their parents. This behavior may test our patience and can at times seem concerning, but knowing that this is a stage and a normal part of a child’s exploration of the world around them can give it more context.

As adults, it is difficult to fully appreciate the need that children have to test things and not just follow our rules. We take for granted the fact that our actions affect the world in which we live and the lives of others. However, to young children this idea is brand new. Children are enamored by the world and seek to understand it (which is evident by their endless questions such as “why is the sky blue?”). This is a process that is necessary for children to learn about a world that is new to them.

Trying to view the world from a child’s eyes can help us cultivate more empathy when they do things that seem silly, irrational, or problematic. It may help to imagine visiting a different planet whose laws of nature differ from our own. You are told by residents of this planet that actions do not make things happen, instead thoughts cause things to go into effect. This goes completely against everything you know about cause and effect. Amazed by this newly obtained “super power” you can’t help but test it in order to learn more about the way this world works. Inevitably you will make mistakes along the way and upset the indigenous residents with your naive understanding of the rules of this planet, but this will only become refined with time and healthy exploration. 

It might feel tempting to merely teach children about the rules of the world, but this lesson is not fully grasped by the developing brain until it is personally experienced. Parents are not expected to have a thorough understanding of all the developmental stages that their child goes through (and if a parent is worried about a behavior it is always advisable to consult with a professional), but the important thing to know is that we are not born knowing everything we do about the world.  There is a tremendous amount of complex learning that occurs (mostly without our conscious knowing) from the moment we are born until we reach adulthood and beyond.  Remembering this can help alleviate some of the concern (and frustration) that comes with raising children.