Socially Distant, Not Disconnected

We are living in strange and challenging times. Life in quarantine necessitates distancing ourselves from the world. There are many challenges to this new reality in which we find ourselves. I would like to focus on one.

Human beings have an innate need for social connection.

However, we now find ourselves with a void. There are psychological implications of suddenly lacking the capacity to be involved in an activity like socialization on which we so heavily rely, and until now may have taken for granted.

We may feel irritable. Phrases like “stir crazy” come to mind.

But the social deprivation that we now experience has more basic implications; implications at the level of the nervous system. The autonomic nervous system is home to the widely known fight/flight/freeze responses. These are automatic reactions to keep a person safe in times of perceived danger. The nervous system perceives danger unconsciously. An example of perceiving danger can be the presence of a suspicious person in an alleyway carrying something that resembles a weapon. However, things that trigger the nervous system to be on alert can be more subtle. This is why we don’t trust a person who avoids making eye contact.

Our nervous system is primed to seek danger and when a person is not conforming to social norms it sends unconscious messages to the brain and body which are translated into feelings of uneasiness and ultimately a sense of being unsafe. Sometimes they are experienced as mere sensations in the body (oftentimes in the gut, which is why we get “gut feelings” about something not being “right”).

The greatest sense of safety is felt by the nervous system when we are socially connected. The opposite of perceiving that a person is a possible source of danger is feeling that the person is safe enough with whom to connect. People who have been traumatized sometimes lack the capacity to feel fully connected with others, but the majority of us feel our greatest sense of calm when we are truly relating to another person. We need each other to feel safe in the world.

Conversely, being socially isolated leads to feelings of paranoia and defensiveness around others (which can lead to antisocial behavior) because the nervous system is not getting the input it needs to feel connected and safe. This input includes forms of communication other than just the words we are trying to convey: facial expression, physical contact, voice intonation.

Practicing social distancing in this time of the Coronavirus is something that we are

required to do in order to be safe. It is vitally important, however, that we continue to connect with others. Merely relying on text messages is not enough as it severely limits the input the nervous system is seeking in order to be regulated. Phone calls are much better, providing the voice inflections of safety to the nervous system. However, we live in a time where we can literally see and hear our friends and family with video conference technology. This is still a limited version of connection but it is the best we can do under the circumstances. Individuals can spend some time every day connecting with friends over FaceTime. My own family has been connecting every day with my siblings and parents (our children’s uncles, aunts, and grandparents). Using this technology will not only provide the nervous system with the connection it seeks, it can also act to bolster our current relationships. In a time when we can easily feel very isolated from the world, meeting with another cooped up family over Zoom provides the needed reminder that we are all connected in this experience of disconnection.